Day 4
What I really want is cancer. I want to die with no choice. I want everyone who loves me to see me before I die. I want to see them. I want to see them all knowing that I won’t be there for much longer and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I want to see people cry. I want to pat someone on the back and lie to them that it’ll all be ok. I want everything to be alright with everyone and then I want it to disappear. I want to feel the barrel of a gun in my mouth, waiting for it to go off, and tell my story in only vowels. I want people to hate me. I want them to hate the fact that I’m leaving them. I want people to ignore me. Pretend that nothing is happening. Pretend that I never happened. I want the world to hate me for abandoning it. I want God to hate me for not coming to him in my time of need. I want my parents to feel the pain of losing a child. I want my brother to feel the pain of losing a brother. I want my closest friends to know that this is what I wanted so that they would feel no pain at all.
It was five o’clock in the morning and he continued to think as he walked down the road.
